Your Better Communication Crash Course

Communication: the skill often pointed to as integral to having functional, healthy relationships. However, communication mishaps are a common occurrence in many relationships, leading to conflict and overall feelings of dissatisfaction in our relationships.

There are four main styles of communication: passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive, and assertive.

Passive style communicators are people who prioritize keeping the peace over expressing their own needs. They tend to be more go with the flow and have more difficulties speaking up for themselves or saying no. Passive communicators may have a tendency to assume that other people should already know what their needs are or believe that they’ve inferred their needs in a way that other people should be able to understand. This expectation of mind reading and a lack of directly communicating their needs can build feelings of resentment that can fester feelings of anger or beliefs that the other person doesn’t care about them.

Aggressive style communicators could be considered the opposite of passive communicators. People who communicate aggressively tend to be loud, critical, and demanding. Aggressive communicators aren’t going to be collaborative when it comes to getting their needs met. In fact, you may find that in a situation with an aggressive communicator, that you feel you aren’t even allowed to have your own needs. Aggressive communication focuses on domination and control, including the use of violence to get what they want. People that primarily use this communication style are lacking in the empathy necessary to navigate a healthy relationship.

Passive-aggressive style communicators often feel powerless to confront issues head on. Much like the passive communicators, they may speak and initially behave in ways that seem non-confrontational or peacekeeping, but as their resentment builds, they act out in harmful ways. Passive-aggressive communicators often use sarcasm as a way to express their feelings about a situation without having to clearly confront the issue. People that use this style of communication are the most likely to say, “It’s fine,” when their body language and facial expressions clearly indicate that things are less than fine. They often use sabotage and other sneaky disruptions to ease their resentment around their unexpressed needs.

Assertive style communicators are capable of clearly expressing their own needs while maintaining empathy for others’ needs and experiences. Their tone remains calm and respectful while speaking directly. They take responsibility for their own feelings and when expressing themselves, tend to use “I” statements to reduce defensiveness in others. Assertive communicators are able to express their preferred alternative to a situation, but will strive collaboratively towards a result that works for everyone involved. They tend to be skilled listeners and give others the opportunity to respond without interruption.

Skilled, assertive communicators can recognize the communication styles of others and navigate conversations in a way that respects their own boundaries. They don’t allow others to manipulate them. They know that they are deserving of respect and expect others to treat them considerately.

Can you take a moment to honestly assess which of these descriptions best fits your own communication style? Think of the last time you were in conflict. Did you discuss it calmly and clearly? Or did you use sarcasm to avoid acknowledging your anger? Did you sweep your own needs under the rug because it felt easier than the discomfort of expressing your needs? Perhaps you raised your voice and focused on getting what you wanted instead of taking into account the needs of your partner(s) or friend(s).

If you’re unsure and feeling brave, consider asking for an assessment from someone close to you. It may be harder for you to recognize traits in yourself, but an honest friend or partner might be able to open your eyes to something you don’t see yet.

Still with me? It can be difficult to acknowledge and accept the less than perfect aspects of ourselves. If you found that you fell more into the category of passive, aggressive, or passive-aggressive communicators, know that you are not alone. Even people that primarily manage to use assertive communication may find at times that they slip into other communication styles.

We are not born good communicators. Our style of communication is strongly influenced by the styles of our parents, caregivers, and other prominent figures in our lives. We are not stuck in the styles that we grew into. Like muscles getting stronger with exercises, our communication skills will develop with the effort we put into them, but we have to be able to recognize and acknowledge our default style and notice when we are engaging in actions that do not serve us or our relationships.

For example, a passive style communicator needs to be able to note when they are building resentment because of an unspoken or unclear communication of a need. It is only with this kind of mindfulness that we have the ability to shift to a new behavior. In this instance, realizing that they are feeling resentful can be a cue for them to try a new approach. An attempt towards a more assertive style might sound something like, “I noticed I’m feeling resentful because of [reason]. I’ve been having a hard time expressing my feelings about it, but I think it’s important that I talk with you about it.”

An aggressive style communicator may need to pause when they realize that their tone of voice is loud or that they are being really critical of their partner instead of taking responsibility for their own feelings. In this circumstance, being able to acknowledge the mistake of an aggressive tone or criticism is important so that they can apologize and attempt to express themselves in a less harmful way.

In addition to mindfully changing our own communication patterns, being a skillful communicator includes demonstrating openness and safety for your partner or friend to be able to bring up their needs with you. There are many things we can do to support better communication from the people around us.

These are just a few of the things you can do:

1. Validate their emotions instead of focusing on your intentions. Maybe you didn’t mean to make your non drinking friend feel left out when you didn’t invite them to join you and your friends at a brewery. You assumed they wouldn’t want to go, but they feel hurt. You could say something like, “I can understand why that would make you feel left out and hurt. I’m sorry.”
2. Don’t pivot to how their emotions make you feel. Stay focused on the emotions they are sharing with you. If your partner tells you they’re feeling hurt because they’ve asked you to not leave your laundry on the bathroom floor for them to clean up behind you and you did it anyway, the response shouldn’t be that you’re bothered that they’d be upset when they knew you were running late for work that morning. Try something like, “I know we’ve talked about me leaving the laundry on the floor before. It makes sense that you’d be feeling let down by me not following through and cleaning up behind myself. I’m sorry.”
3. Respond as your best self. If someone brings something up to you and the first thing you feel is defensiveness, wait before you respond. You could say something like, “I hear that you’re feeling really upset about [thing]. I’m noticing that I’m feeling defensive, but I want to be able to focus on how you’re feeling. How would you feel about me taking a few minutes to manage my emotions, so I can focus on you?” Time allows you to check in with yourself and how you want to respond. What is the empathetic response that validates their emotions? Do some breathing or grounding exercises and consider how you would want them to respond if you brought up something that was bothering you.
4. Invite them to share in assertive ways and reassure them that it’s safe to share their feelings with you. For example, maybe you’re talking to someone who just laid an, “I’m fine,” on you, but it’s clear from their body language and sighing that they are in fact, not fine, you could say something like, “I know you said you’re fine, but I just want to check in with you because you’ve been sighing a lot. It’s okay if things aren’t fine. I want you to feel like you can talk to me. Your feelings matter.”

A caveat to the last point is that some people may not be on a growth path where they are ready to communicate like that. Skillful communication is also recognizing that some people aren’t going to change their communication patterns and you should set your boundaries accordingly.

Another example might be a circumstance where someone raised their voice. If it’s safe to do so, saying something like, “I can tell you feel very strongly about this right now, but when you yell, it’s difficult for me to focus on the problem at hand. Let’s take a break and come back to this when we are calmer.” But it’s also completely acceptable to set a boundary about yelling. You never deserve to have someone yell at you and it’s reasonable to choose to not engage with people that treat you that way.

Most of us use a combination of more than one style. I personally strive to communicate assertively, but my people pleasing nature means my default is much more passive. It’s an imperfect journey. You’ll never get it right 100% of the time and that’s okay. You’re human (probably) and it’s okay to make mistakes, so go easy on yourself. Making an effort to grow your communication skills can improve the quality of your relationships and you deserve that.

Let me know how it goes.